I had been to the doctor so many times with a list of concerns each time. And so many things I didn’t bother to say cos I knew he couldn’t help. He couldn’t sort a return of my childhood allergies to dairy and gluten. He couldn’t help a new allergy to Sulphites. Maybe he could help the raggedy state my voice was in? ENT specialist said he’d never seen such a small stressed space and couldn’t believe I was making any sound let alone free improv!!
Surely my doctor could help with the endless bowel trouble? Maybe the cronic indigestion could be helped by my cranial osteopath..it was…mostly. Maybe reiki could help the endlessly imposing and loud and endless thoughts getting in the way of communication with my kids, with getting out of the house in the morning, with working with anyone I didn’t feel 100% sure of! Surely the Master Homeopath and Naturopath would help stop all my hair falling out…when is that going to stop? Could he stop the terrible and traumatic night sweats where a change of clothes and bedding at 3am was a must?…paracetamol just doesn’t do it! What about a full nights sleep? Will I ever have that again? Sleepy teas and herbal tablets dont touch that either and just leave me more tired when I need to work! Then what about the bizzare vomiting, middle of the night, anytime after eating at other places other than the family home? I couldn’t go away anywhere. Couldn’t stay over! Couldn’t eat out anywhere! I also stopped being a good judge of temperature. I overdressed when out walking because I felt cold all the time. I had lots of covers on my bed but woke up shivering!
As my period approached I screamed “Not that as bloody well!”
I came off caffeine, maybe that’s the trick? Stopped drinking 2 years ago, wouldn’t that help? Less meat? More walks! Meditation and reiki…all helped. But the longer I sat still and waited and breathed… the worse I realised I was! The less work I took on the more I could hear my body shouting at me! The deeeper the release work I did the more I realised my body was out of control. I realised I’d been poorly for years and found some super coping mechanisms but underlying and ready to tip at any moment was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!
I watched a program on Shell Shock in September ’12 and it all fell into place. All these things were one thing. Acute anxiety! All basically the same thing but I could pin point a starting point so that makes it post traumatic stress. A rubbish cocked up caesarian 9 years ago with 2 years of horrid flashbacks and a complete collapse of my previously great health!
So I chose my doctor carefully and went with my hypothosis. I was immediately on antidepressants and a waiting list (a year long) for Cognative Behavioural Therapy! A year! I have to wait a year to be right again…aaaaargh. The anti-depressants worked a treat after the dose was increased. Sleep and peace, Phew!
Then a wise woman introduced me to another wise women…tried many in the past…but this one specialises in Eye Movement Desensitising and Reprogramming Therapy or Eye Movement Therapy to you and me. She makes my eyes move from left to right and follows my brain round its thoughts, catching them, reprogramming, copying the healthy processes of REM sleep. She unsticks the stuck thoughts and moves them on into the right bit of the brain…the past! I know its more than that, but that’s the best way I can describe it.
So here I am. My peace and sleep all broken again as I dream weird dreams and wheeze like an old boiler in the process of trying to mend it all properly and perminantly. I dream of being well again, healthy again.
How many mad mums? How many traumatic births? How many stuck memories? How many bodies feeling like they are still in fight or flight though the lion has gone and won’t ever be back?
Beth Allen is a creative voice specialist. To find out more about the amazing work she does visit her website